Enough.

Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve written.  I’ve been so, so busy, and so, so happy.  Changing my job was the best thing I could have done for myself.  The boyfriend is pretty amazing, too.

He loves me intensely and straight-forwardly.  He does so much for me.  Last night, we cooked dinner together, and when I walked into his place, I found a red rose and a chilled bottle of Chardonnay (I had mentioned earlier in the week that cold Chardonnay sounded amazing).  He leaves my favorite breakfast foods out for me each morning.  He writes me sweet love notes.

I sometimes wonder if I do enough for him.  I always feel like I am enough as a person, but I just mean in terms of the “little things”.  One thing I feel I’ve gotten a lot better at is verbalizing my feelings for him.  We had a talk once about any doubts either of us had, and he had mentioned how he doesn’t always know how I’m feeling or where I’m at.  It’s made a tremendous difference.  He no longer makes little comments that lack confidence in our relationship.  It was a huge step out of my comfort zone (I prefer writing words to saying them, because it never comes out how I want it to when I’m speaking), so I’m proud that I was able to make that adjustment for him.

This is the most mature relationship I’ve ever been in by a long shot.  I am confident that we’ll end up married someday.  I know he wants that for us.  It’s exciting and scary… but mostly exciting.

But anyway, I’ll have to think of something thoughtful to do for him.  He always seems to be amazing at coming up with ideas for those types of things.

Oh, and I got him the most incredible birthday gift that I know he’ll love.  Unfortunately, I have to wait until July to give it to him.  It’s so hard not to spill the beans!

 

The Conversation.

After my visit with Nate last week, I was pretty distraught. I thought it was completely over, and although it hasn’t been that long that we’ve been seeing each other, it felt like a break-up. I distanced myself. He reached out to me more than usual, and I felt anxious. I felt like I had to decide if I would end things or let them continue. I ended up deciding to have another conversation to gain clarity. I figured worst case scenario, I’d never see him again, but that was my alternative anyway.

We went to a movie and dinner last night. I eventually got my nerve to ask about the casual thing. I said something along the lines of, “I’ve been thinking about what you asked me about whether I want to be casual and trying to decide if that’s something I want, but I really don’t know what that means. What does it mean to you?” He said he’d been stewing about that conversation all week (which made me happy to hear). He said basically he doesn’t know what he wants, not just with us, but with life in general and he doesn’t want to make any promises he can’t keep. He said he wanted to be casual for now, and take time to see where this goes. I asked if he wanted to see other people or if he has been. He said no. I told him that if that were ever the case, to please let me know, because I’d be really sad if that was happening. He said he’d always be honest, and he always has been.

Then, I brought up the ex thing. I asked if he was waiting for her to become available and then we’d be done. He said no, he doesn’t trust her at all, and he’d never be with her again; he just thinks it’s weird that he still thinks of her.  Not exactly super clear, and it could be just words, but at least it’s some clarification.

I had a lot of questions, and I feel like I got some answers. I’d like to think that he considered the idea that this could have been over, and didn’t want to see that happen.

I stayed over at his place last night. We had a lot of fun, and spent time just listening to music and talking. His parents were coming over this morning to help with some landscaping work, so I asked what time I should head out. He said whenever, and then said I could stay and meet his parents. He started telling me more about them. I ultimately left before they got there, because if I ever do meet his parents, it’s not going to be with morning after sex hair, ha.

I am cautiously optimistic. I’m glad we can at least communicate and be open with one another. I am going to be careful about this, but I figure I haven’t liked anyone this much in a long time, and I should see what happens with it.

I am not saying this will for sure go anywhere, but I’m not ready to give up on it yet.

Thankful.

Thanksgiving was lovely.  I spent all weekend with my family, and it was really nice.  Not sure if anyone remembers my Family post, but I read that to my family at dinner.  Everyone teared up or cried a little, myself included.  It was pretty cool to be able to put my feelings out there in a way I don’t usually get to.  I was actually really nervous to read it to them for some reason, but I’m glad I did.  I never want to be in a position where I think back at all the things I should have said.  I only wish my brother could have been there.

School is winding down.  I finally see the end of the semester.  I’m all registered for next semester, although that was an ordeal in itself.  I got it all worked out, though, and one of my classes that had initially filled up had an open spot, so I’m relieved.

A couple of weekends ago, I went on a trip with my friend from work, his fiancee, and my roommate, along with six other people.  We all drove down during the day on Friday, went out Friday night, tailgated all day and saw a college football game on Saturday, and went out Saturday night.  On Sunday, we all drove back to our respective homes (a lot of us were from different surrounding cities).  It was a really fun time, and I ended up hitting it off with one of the guys on the trip.  We’ve been talking since, and he seems really  nice.  I don’t know if anything will come of it, and I’m not too concerned.  He lives 4 hours away, which sucks.  It’s a place I like to visit, though, so who knows.  Like I said, I’m just getting to know him for now, and we’ll see what happens.

God, I really can’t believe 2014 is almost over.  Time is speeding by.  I figure I should start thinking of some resolutions for the new year.  Hmm…

On Butterflies.

I remember being in middle school, when just talking to a boy I liked on MSN Messenger (yeah, that was the thing, ha) would give me butterflies.  When a brush of hands made me giddy.  When being told I looked pretty left me floating on air.

What happened to that?

I don’t know if it’s just getting older and getting used to these things, but I feel like nothing about dating or flirting gets me too excited anymore. I don’t remember the last time I felt like I had legitimate feelings for someone. Sure, I’ll talk to guys and hang out with them and sometimes do more, if I feel like it, but the feelings are often fleeting.

Thinking back to my last serious relationship, I liked him to an extent initially, but it wasn’t like I was swept away by him. Honestly, I thought he was kind of annoying and came off as needy. Eventually, though, his persistence impressed me. The more I learned about him, the more I liked him, and I eventually agreed to date him.

Maybe I’m not giving my new endeavors enough time, energy, or patience. After all, that relationship was more good than bad (is that really how I’m describing a 3 year relationship right now? Yikes…).

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I miss being excited about getting to know and spend time with a person, and no one seems to particularly excite me anymore.