Where to Begin?

Wow. I have been gone so long, I don’t know where to begin.

I am married now! It is unbelievable to think, even today. We got married on September 22nd. It was a stressful, yet beautiful day.

His grandfather had passed away shortly before mine did. In December of 2016, his mother unexpectedly passed away. We have lived through a lot of loss, which doesn’t predict the future, but it most definitely makes for an amazing sense of teamwork and togetherness.

We discussed waiting two to three years to have children, but I think he is changing his mind and wants them sooner. I 100% want to have children with him, I don’t think I’m ready to be a mother at this moment. And I know, I know, no one is ever ready. I guess, I understand the excitement and all of that, but we are young. This only happens once, and I want to enjoy it before I devote my life to my kids.

For now, I am completely enjoying living with my husband, feeling the greatest sense of love I have ever known, and fantasizing about our future.

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Alone.

I am home completely alone for the first time in I have no idea how long. It’s really nice. I forgot how much I love being by myself. I napped, had chips and dip for breakfast, lay in bed doing nothing but scroll through my phone and think, and did some laundry (proof that I wasn’t completely unproductive). It was perfect. I love mornings like this.

Everything else has been busy and good. I have been at weddings/wedding related events for the last three weekends, and I will be for the next three (including today). I don’t dislike weddings, but I’m over it. The only one I’ve been legitimately excited for us the one tonight. It’s two dear friends that I’ve known for 10+ years. And they know how to party. ūüôā

I harassed my college into letting me graduate next spring. There was an issue with the electives I need vs the ones being offered. I submitted a substition request, got denied, made some phone calls, wrote a letter, bugged my advisor a lot, submitted another request, and viola. It’s crazy how difficult and time consuming it was. If I were less tenacious about it, I would be in educational limbo for who knows how long. The only thing that sucks is that I have to take two day classes for 2 hours and 45 minutes each week, so I will have to use PTO for that. A sacrifice I’ll have to make.

My boyfriend bought a house, and I’m moving in. He closes in November. I am excited but nervous too. I basically live there already. I stay there every night, I eat there, we buy groceries together and keep them at his place, I clean, I have two sets of toiletries, etc. There is just something daunting about completely giving up my own space. I am so ready to take this next step with him, though.

My traditional, religious mother was less than happy with me when I told her. She still isn’t, but hasn’t brought it up. I’m hoping she will get over it soon. She had my sister before she was married, plus my sister has three kids and is single, and my brother lived with his ex. I personally don’t have an issue with any of these things because I believe people can do whatever they want with their lives, but they don’t fit with her values. I’m sure she just needs time. My dad was 1000x more supportive, and that felt really good.

I got a free ticket to a country concert last night, because my co-worker’s husband works at a radio station. I was so happy she asked. I went with her, her husband, and another co-worker I didn’t know too well. I had a lot of fun! The show was awesome. I got pretty drunk and briefly remember having a heart-to- heart with one of them. Kind of embarrassing. But hey, I have to do embarrassing stuff once in awhile to keep me modest, ha. Since I rarely drink anymore, it’s much more of an uncommon event.

That’s about everything for now. I should really write more.

Balance.

I feel like I’m having an issue in striking a balance in my life.

I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. I love being around him, and I think that’s normal for a new(ish) relationship. I spend every night at his place, at this point. He offers to stay at mine, but he has a dog and has to work at 6 am, so it just makes more sense to me for us to be at his apartment. We’re planning on moving in together in January (around our one year anniversary). We also spend most weekends together.

Anyway, I try to take 1-2 nights a week to see my friends. I also see my family on Sundays. I just find myself wondering, is that enough? Mostly with my friends. I am in contact through texts and whatnot too. I worry that they don’t think they get enough of my time.

I suppose I should probably just talk to them about it- see how they’re feeling and if they need more from me.

I’ve never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with him. We can talk for hours. We laugh, we try new things, we relax together. He’s becoming my best friend, but I want to make sure my other best friends realize how much I value them.

Balance is hard.

Loss

I’ve never experienced loss like this in my life.

I sometimes feel okay, but that’s until I start remembering him for who he was- who he REALLY was before the Alzheimer’s stole his mind, and then I feel as though I can’t breathe. It’s unfair that he had to spend his last few months on earth the way that he did. I know I’m just ping-ponging through the different stages grief and it’s normal, but I’m having a really hard time keeping it in check.

I am frequently triggered by things throughout the day that remind me of him, so I always feel like I’m on the verge of tears. I have dreamt of him almost every night. I haven’t decided if that makes me happy or sad. I get to hear his voice and experience his love, but he’s still gone when I wake up.

I’m haunted by the thoughts of the things he’ll never experience with me- that he will not see me get married, and he’ll never sing to my children.

I know this will all take time to heal. I used to cry at the thought of losing him someday, long before it was an eminent possibility.

I am so lucky to have been loved by him.

The Last Goodbye/The Last Day.

This morning, I woke up to my alarm. I lied in bed, and in typical fashion, fell back asleep. I had a dream I was with my grandparents visiting. I was about to leave, and I said goodbye to both of them. My grandpa said, “Bye, Rachel!” He called me by name. (I guess I’m giving you all my first name now.) I can’t remember the last time that happened in real life. I woke up feeling happy and sad.

He died today around 4 pm.

Our last visit was lovely. We sat outside. We talked about the birds. He closed his eyes, put his head back, and basked in the sun. “This is so nice,” he said.

Enough.

Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve written. ¬†I’ve been so, so busy, and so, so happy. ¬†Changing my job was the best thing I could have done for myself. ¬†The boyfriend is pretty amazing, too.

He loves me intensely and straight-forwardly.  He does so much for me.  Last night, we cooked dinner together, and when I walked into his place, I found a red rose and a chilled bottle of Chardonnay (I had mentioned earlier in the week that cold Chardonnay sounded amazing).  He leaves my favorite breakfast foods out for me each morning.  He writes me sweet love notes.

I sometimes wonder if I do enough for him. ¬†I always feel like I am enough as a person, but I just mean in terms of the “little things”. ¬†One thing I feel I’ve gotten a lot better at is verbalizing my feelings for him. ¬†We had a talk once about any doubts either of us had, and he had mentioned how he doesn’t always know how I’m feeling or where I’m at. ¬†It’s made a tremendous difference. ¬†He no longer makes little comments that lack confidence in our relationship. ¬†It was a huge step out of my comfort zone (I prefer writing words to saying them, because it never comes out how I want it to when I’m speaking), so I’m proud that I was able to make that adjustment for him.

This is the most mature relationship I’ve ever been in by a long shot. ¬†I am confident that we’ll end up married someday. ¬†I know he wants that for us. ¬†It’s exciting and scary… but mostly exciting.

But anyway, I’ll have to think of something thoughtful to do for him. ¬†He always seems to be amazing at coming up with ideas for those types of things.

Oh, and I got him the most incredible birthday gift that I know he’ll love. ¬†Unfortunately, I have to wait until July to give it to him. ¬†It’s so hard not to spill the beans!