Ditched/Bummed.

On Sunday, I had a great time with Nate. We hung out with his friends, some I had met and some I hadn’t yet. We had dinner together, and we watched a movie. During the course of the day, he asked if I wanted to see a movie on Tuesday or Wednesday, and I said that should work.

On Monday, I texted him and said Wednesday was best, because my class was letting out early that day. He said that was great.

So today, I texted him asking if he wanted to go at 8. He responded that he forgot an event was going on downtown tonight, and asked if next week would work. I basically blew it off, because 1) I’m really non-confrontational, 2) I don’t like to react strongly to something unless I’ve thought about it, and 3) I didn’t want to argue via text.

It upset me that he wouldn’t want me to come with him to the other event. I mean, we already had plans. I don’t know.

He works tomorrow, and I’m leaving to go on vacation on Friday. I’ll be gone for over a week. Maybe he’ll miss me when I’m gone.

I don’t think he meant to be malicious or hurtful, but I’m still bummed. Although I did have a really fun night hanging out with my sister instead.

Little Sister.

I feel weird writing about this, because in a sense, it’s not really my story to tell, but it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately… so here goes.

My sister is 18 years old.  She has a strong faith, and she cares deeply for others.  She cares about every single person she meets, and I love that about her.

I recently found out she lost her virginity to a guy who is probably going to be facing jail time for drug related charges.

I feel like 18 is a perfectly acceptable age to start having sex, if you feel like you’re ready.  Hell, that’s the age I lost my virginity.  The difference, though, is that I lost it to someone who I loved, trusted, and dated for three years.  I feel like I’m being judge-y, but I honestly don’t think she was emotionally ready for that.  She is kind of immature for her age, and she’s very naive.

That probably sounds bad, but my point is this:  I want her to know her worth.  She’s known this guy for a few months, and he’s been nice for the most part.  God, it just sucks, because I get both sides of this.  She tells me everything about the guys she’s talking to, so I hear the good, and more frequently, the bad.  I like being that friend and confidant, but I also feel protective of her.  I don’t want her to waste time with these guys she thinks she can fix, who walk all over her, are insulting to her, and know they can come to her with an apology and be completely forgiven.

This is conflicting for me.  On one hand, I feel like a hypocrite, because I know I’ve done things that I’m not proud of.  On the other hand, though, as confused and irresolute as I can be, I’ve still only slept with three people:  one I dated for years, one I’ve been friends with for years, and one who I thought I would end up dating.  I feel like I should share my experiences with her.  Sex has never been an open discussion in our family; I don’t think she even wanted to tell me.  I basically want to get the point across that just because everyone in her dorm is having sex (because she actually mentioned that to me), doesn’t mean she has to, too.  But I also don’t want to be telling her what to do.  After all, she is an adult, right?

When she first told me, I was fucking shocked.  The conversation we had didn’t go too far, but I asked how she felt about it.  She said I sounded like a therapist, ha.  She told me she doesn’t regret it and that she feels good about it, so I guess I should take that for what it’s worth.  I have a lot of other questions for her about the whole thing, and I’m trying to be tactful about this.

She’s my baby sister, and even though I know she’s growing up, it’s hard to prepare yourself for moments like these.

Dreams.

I almost always have very vivid and strange dreams. Sometimes they’re similar to reality and sometimes they’re outlandish. I am trying to start a dream journal. The only issue I’m having is convincing myself to stay conscious enough to write down my dreams in the morning. I’m not great at that.

I am not the type to think that everything in a dream means something, but lately, I’ve had some crazy dreams that I hope are indicative of how I’d act in real life.

For example, last night I had a dream I was with my 13 year old brother and 18 year old sister at a park. It was starting to get a little dark, when 4 cop cars came racing into the parking lot chasing a man on foot. They jumped out of the car and were yelling at the man to drop his weapon. I made my little brother and sister get on the ground and laid over them. The man the cops were yelling at ran over to where we were laying and it turns out he just had his hands in a finger gun shape, but I hope I would be brave enough to protect my family like that.

I know this is super random, but it’s been a common theme in my dreams lately. Now back to work for me!

Family.

The one thing I am completely and absolutely thankful for above all else is my family. I spent a lot of time over there the last weekend recovering from getting my wisdom teeth out, so you’ll have to excuse all of my gushing (and this may be long). 😛

They are some of the best people I know. The more time you spend with them, the more you want to be around them.

My dad is the hardest working man I’ve ever met. We didn’t grow up with much, but he constantly worked his ass off to make sure we were getting by. His sense of humor is so cheesy, and he loves to make people laugh. He quietly endures his struggles, never wanting burden anyone else. And he’s always made sure that I’ve never doubted for one second how much he loves me.

I sometimes think my friends like my mom more than they like me, ha. She is the backbone of our family. She’s always kept us together, even when everything else was falling apart. She has a way with words, and she lets us know what unique qualities she loves about us. She is full of strength and resilience, but she’s also playful and fun. Whenever I’m down or upset, I call my mom. She is honestly one of my best friends.

I love how my parents care for everyone they meet. More than that, I love how they love each other.

My older sister is quite rambunctious. She’s made some mistakes in her life, but she’s worked hard for everything she’s achieved. She’s always been a guiding light for me. She is talented in many ways. And my favorite part about her is that she laughs loudly and often, no matter what life throws her way.

Brother #1 will always be my delicate little brother, no matter how strong he is now. He is the first person I ever really had to defend, and I did it without hesitance. He is sweet and kind. His wit is unmatched. He has the most self-control of anyone I’ve ever met, and that’s only helped him in life.

Life never feels quite complete without brother #2 around. I’ve missed him a lot lately, and I dream of him often. He lives halfway across the country, so I don’t get to see him near as often as I’d like. He has that way of getting under your skin and making you angry, then cracking a joke and making you laugh seconds later. He is seriously impossible to stay mad at. He works hard and plays hard. He has always been fearless, and that’s something I’ve always admired.

My little sister is a firecracker. She always says what’s on her mind and doesn’t have a filter. She cares for others passionately, and she has so much empathy for others’ struggles. She is full of faith and quiet strength. She is just starting the next step in her life, but I am completely convinced that she will be very successful.

And finally, my youngest brother is a combination of a lot of things. He is very cautious at times, only to turn around and be completely brave. He is very verbal with his feelings, and he’s not shy with hugs. He is a good person; he’s the type that will say “hi, how are you today?” to a stranger or help an old woman with her groceries.

I will never, for one second, take for granted how lucky I am to be a part of such an amazing group of people.

Today Sucks, But…

Today is proving to be quite stressful at work.  Fuckin’ Mondays, man.  The only thing keeping me in a somewhat content state of mind is knowing that I’ll get to see my brother Friday.  He is in the military, and he’ll be home for my sister’s high school graduation.

The best part is that my family has no idea he’ll be home.  My sister is going to freak out.  Plus, I love having him here… feels more complete.  He’s 2 years younger than me, and we’ve always been close.

To get through the day, I’ll keep reminding myself that I’ll see him in a few short (slash seemingly endless) days.  And that I have red wine waiting at home for me tonight.